‘My meditations are so cool.’ I said to my boyfriend. He laughed at the blissed-out expression on my face and said, ‘Well, rather more meditations than more medications.’
I smiled at that.
Because in that moment I was free to be me. For the first time since my bipolar diagnosis, I didn’t feel like such a slave to my highs and my downward spirals anymore. I didn’t feel like I had to be tranquilised when I was on a high, or to wait and ‘ride it out’ when I was on a downward spiral. Or to rummage through my box of pills, trying not to beat up myself up for feeling so pathetic.
After discovering how powerful gratitude could be in my own healing, I started rediscovering meditation again, just small ones at first, but they were creating enough of a shift for me to want to take my ‘mini’ meditation practice to a whole new level.
And then the most powerful meditations found me.
A friend sent me a link to a Dr Joe Dispenza podcast, and the only reason I watched it at all (it was over an hour long) was because it came from her. And I’m so glad I did watch it because it ended up being one of those gifts that changed my life.
In this podcast, Dr Joe Dispenza, a neuroscientist, spoke about the transformative chemicals of elevated emotions. How you could teach your body to feel those amazing emotions. He combined the science and the mystical. Neuroscience, quantum physics, biology, epigenetics. He spoke about how energy affects matter, and how he’s measured those changes.
He spoke about gratitude and how it is the ultimate state of receiving. He spoke about how clear intentions and elevated emotions can actually change your state of being … about how we all have the innate power to change our state of being without having to rely on something outside of us.
It was an affirmation of the path I had set myself on over the last several months. And now I had new tools.
I bought his book (Becoming Supernatural) straight after the podcast. I devoured it. I put a lot of his teachings into practice. And yes, I downloaded some of his meditations. They were powerful.
My goal, when I first started my gratitude/meditation self-healing journey, was to wake up feeling amazing and in love with life. That’s what I wanted. And a few days into working through Dr Joe Dispenza’s meditations daily, I started feeling that maybe all that was really possible.
The more I meditated, the deeper I went (these were intense 45-minute to hour-long meditations), the more profound the peace I started feeling, and the more amazing experiences I started having. Almost like brain orgasms.
And it wasn’t just life with my eyes closed. In my day to day life I started feeling lighter, brighter, clearer. Like I’d had some kind of inner cleansing. I was more conscious, more present. Stronger. Quietly powerful. Filled with a deep love.
… some moments I even felt magnificent.
I started smiling more. Sometimes just to myself. And when I did, my smile was wider, more real, more open.
I started laughing at myself again. I forgot that I used to do that a lot.
There was a day in a supermarket when my boyfriend said something that had me laughing so hard I had to hang onto the shopping trolley for support. Later, I laughed about it again until I cried. I couldn’t remember the last time I did that.
The last several years had me seriously eye-balling every mood. The depressions were suicide-watch, the highs were gripped with a panic that I would get out of hand, and the periods of normalcy were just suspicious waiting periods for the next swing this way or that.
There’s a difference between being truly happy and being on a bipolar high. Or being on a medicated kinda happy. There’s an underlying calm and stability and connectedness to an inner elation. It’s pure.
And when I slipped and fell and tumbled into old thoughts, patterns, and behaviours, I was quicker to pull myself out again.
Those suffocating thoughts, those grimy emotions, that darkness and all that despair, were more alien to me now, like weeds in a garden, I became more aware of them when they materialised in my mind and in my body, and that gave me the chance to find a way to allow them to pass through me much quicker than ever before.
But this is not a Disney movie.
There were still times when lower energies and thoughts settled like a fog. And I could still lose myself in it. It could still take a super-heroine effort to pull myself into lighter spaces. And sometimes it didn’t feel like the meditations were doing much, and sometimes I couldn’t even gather the energy to do a meditation.
But now I knew that I had been to lighter places. That I had done it with meditation. And my own inner world.
And now the goal is to find more beautiful ways to feel more of this magnificence more of the time.
(There are no negative side effects to adding a meditation practice to your life, but if you’re thinking about adjusting your medications, please speak to your doctors and psychiatrist first.)
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